A Taxi .....

S

Sarge

A2OC Donor
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus and
stopped inches from a shop window. For a second all was quiet, then the
driver said, ‘Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the
daylights out of me’. The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise what a little tap on the shoulder would do. The driver replied,
‘Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab
driver, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 20 years’.
 
master card wedding

You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a
wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank
everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank
his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes,
he turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this
guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD
 
A word of warning ladies

Daddy's car in the woods? Little Johnny watched his
Daddy's' car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy
and Aunt Jane In a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly containhimself as
he ran home and started to tell his mother.

'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to Look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his Pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such
An interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper
Time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it
Tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny
To tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the
Playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with
Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a
Big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt
Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and
Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and
Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'

Mommy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story Before you interrupt!
 
N.h.s mental health answering machine

N.H.S MENTAL HEALTH ANSWERING MACHINE


Hello and welcome to the NHS answering service.

If you are obsessive – compulsive please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, please hold until we trace your call.

If you are delusional, please listen carefully and a little voice will tell you what number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter what number you press, no-one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, please press 6969696969

If you have a nervous disposition, please fiddle with the £ key until an operator comes on the line.

If you have a post traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 00000000

If you are bi-polar, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please press 9
If you have short term memory loss, please press 9
If you have short term memory loss, please press 9

If you have low self esteem, please hang up, our operators are far too busy to be chatting to a loser like you.

If you are menopausal, turn on the fan, lie down and cry repeatedly.you wont be crazy forever.

If you are a paranoid schizophrenic, hang up quick, HE’S BEHIND YOU !
 
Cheeky Kid

A small child approached me yesterday and asked "whats your favourite tellytubby?" "The new samsung widescreen you cheeky little sod" I replied.
 
Could have sworn I heard a Bee Gees song coming from my fridge last night but when I opened the door it was just the chives talkin!!..
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top