Best resignation letter ever?

[Pete_slim]

I had this e-mail forwarded to me recently and found it quite funny so.... Enjoy.


The Best Resignation Letter Ever

Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Dear Mr. Baker,

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the
commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was
hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault i n others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have>worked for your interview, but now that you actually
have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be
unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I
conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase
them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.

Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

Cecelia




Pete
Red Audi A2 TDi Sport
[email protected]

 

[Pete_slim]

Australian bricklayer report

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a
bricklayer's accident
report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true
story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for
sure.......

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional
information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor
planning" as the cause of my accident.
You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following
details will be
sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was
working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I
completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over
which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess
of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided
to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached
to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the
rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied
the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the
bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I
weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground
so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of
the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the
side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met
the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally
impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor
abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of
the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping
until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the
pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of
mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of
beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time,
however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom
fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks,
that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to
my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down
the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I
met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured
ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and
lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the
barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I
fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three
vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay
there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again
lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope
and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey
back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.



Pete
Red Audi A2 TDi Sport
[email protected]