Messages Qantas Airlines: Repair Division
>
In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly
a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
>
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe
Sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the
form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
>
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.
>
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever,
had an accident.
>
>
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
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P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
>
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
>
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
>
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
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P: Aircraft handles funny........... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
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P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
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P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
>
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
>
In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college degree to fly
a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
>
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe
Sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the
form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
>
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.
>
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever,
had an accident.
>
>
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
>
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
>
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
>
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
P: Aircraft handles funny........... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
>
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.