Jokes ongoing

Havank

Havank

Member
Tony was driving his truck minding his own business when he had to stop at a red light. As he stopped a car pulled up alongside a blonde stepped out, ran round to his cab and said ' Hi, I'm cindy, you're losing your load'

Tony shook his head and drove on. At the next set of lights the car drew up again, the same blonde got out ran round to his cab and said 'Hi I'm Cindy, you're losing your load.

Again Tony shook his head and drove on. The same thing at the next set. Out of her car ran round and said 'Hi I'm Cindy, you're losing your load.

Tony shook his head and when the lights turned green floored his truck and managed to get to the next set of lights before the blonde. He stopped the truck got out and ran round to where the blonde had pulled up. She wound down her window and he said.

'Hi, I'm Tony, and I'm driving a ****ing gritter'
 
A Nun gets into the back of a taxi and the journey is long. The taxi driver and the Nun start talking and after a while the driver becomes confident.

"You know", he says,"I've always wanted to know what it's like to kiss a Nun. May I kiss you?"

"Get away with you, begorrah", replies the Nun, but she also giggles.

The taxi driver persists, "But it's only a kiss, nothing more".

"Are you married?" asks the Nun.

"No", replies the driver, "I'm single".

"Well, alright", says the Nun, "but just a kiss, mind".

So the taxi driver pulls over, gets into the back and kisses the Nun in a passionate but very traditionally proper manner.

A couple of miles later the Nun notices that the driver has gone quiet, and looking in the mirror she can see a tear in his eye.

"What's the matter?" asks the Nun.

"Well", replies the driver, "I wasn't entirely honest with you. I am married, and now I'm ashamed of what I have done."

"That's all right", replies the Nun, "I've not been entirely honest with you either. My real name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party".
 
Ole Blue

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college,
but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has
foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says,
"you won't believe the wonders that modern education is
coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here
at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says.
"How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says.
"I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the
dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the
semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says,
"but you just won't believe this - they've had such
good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do
I have to do to get him in that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year,
his father will find out that the dog can neither talk,
nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester,
his father is all excited.
"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him
talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive
home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked
back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal,
like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked,
'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that
little redhead who lives in town?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that SOB
before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.......)
 
Nobody believes old people - everyone thinks they are senile:

An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of a security van, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money... fifty thousand pounds. Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two policemen were scouring the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of a security van yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The cops turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The first cop turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
 
a bloke goes to the doctor, hes farting every few seconds, he says I get terrible wind doctor, please can you do something. The doctor thinks for a few seconds, then says here put some of this special powder up your ****, that'll cure it. Bloke goes home, but still farting every few seconds powder doesnt work. He goes back to the doctor, I'm still farting doctor please help. Doctor thinks again, then says here put this ointment up your **** that'll cure it. Patient goes home but the ointment doesnt work either, he is getting desperate, he returns to the surgery. Doctor I'm still farting every few seconds, please what can you do I'm desperate. Doctor thinks again, paces up and down the room for a few moments, then goes in the cupboard and takes out a great long stick with a metal hook on the end. patient says I dont have to put that up my **** as well do I?? Doctor says No I just want to open the window you always stink the place out when you come to see me...
 
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse
me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the round. You are between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude, and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

" I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be a project manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your problem.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we
met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
 
Another one.

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY!!

Charlotte, North Carolina. USA.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.The judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable"fire", and was obligated to pay the claim! Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW, FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!
 
Broke Back Deer Camp**

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night long."
 
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas DPS Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of the and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth." So saying that, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde,stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of?time, but......" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses. The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
 
A lady walked into a Mercedes dealership just to browse.
Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it.

She bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, and unexpectedly a little fart escaped her.

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson didn't pop up right now.

But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this wonderful car?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you are going to s**t yourself when you hear the price."
_________________
one day my to-do list will be complete, but then I won't know what to do
 
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything insight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey is doing now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.
 
Fred was 83, but somehow he had still managed to marry the beautiful and gorgeous 25-year-old Charlotte.

The wedding was traditional, but Charlotte was a little surprised to find that Fred had booked separate, albeit adjacent, rooms for their honeymoon.

Just as Charlotte was getting into bed, however, there was a knock on the door. It was Fred.

Fred kissed her, told her how much he loved her and then did his matrimonial duty and privilege. The he got up and returned to his own room.

Charlotte thought it was a bit strange but she was so happy she put it to the back of her mind.

Twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door.

It was Fred. He kissed her, told her how much he loved her and then did his matrimonial duty and privilege. Then he got up and returned to his own room.

Charlotte thought it was very strange but she was so happy she put it to the back of her mind.

Twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door.

It was Fred. He kissed her, told her how much he loved her and then did his matrimonial duty and privilege. Then he got up and was obviously planning to return to his own room, but Charlotte could keep silent no longer.

"Fred my Darling!", she cried. "I have had the pleasure of many men a quarter of your age, yet none of them has had your stamina to satisfy quite so well! You have made love to me three times and it's not yet midnight!"

"Have I?", replied Fred. "This Alzheimer's has got to be good for something!".
 
After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found
traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one
thousand years ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American
scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read:

"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres", and
have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech
digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the South African press reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 500m, S.A. scientists have found absolutely
nothing. The government has concluded that 5000 years ago, their
ancestors were already using mobile phones due to cable theft
problems."
 
Posted August 15, 2006 12:16 AM Hide Post
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists... Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
 
"Hello?"

"Hi honey.

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she
isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? ......Is this 486-5731?
 
A man was driving down the road and ran out of fuel. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
"I'm out of fuel."
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my gas tank"?

Scroll down







Scroll down







Scroll down







The bee answered,"BeePee."
 
Aluminium pack is the extra aluminium trim bits in the car (arround the doorhandles, gearshift, handbrake, front handle bar, etc
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top