Jokes ongoing
- Thread starter Havank
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Havank
Member
Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and Immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to p** in the boat."
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and Immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to p** in the boat."
Havank
Member
Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a "get acquainted" tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he might use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton 's personal bathroom, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.
"Just think," he said, "When I am President, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!"
Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been when he discovered that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill, "I found out who pi**ed in your saxophone."
When he entered Clinton 's personal bathroom, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.
"Just think," he said, "When I am President, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!"
Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been when he discovered that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill, "I found out who pi**ed in your saxophone."
Havank
Member
"Excerpts from a Dog's Diary"
8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary"
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. b*****ds! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try thisagain tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now.....
8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary"
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. b*****ds! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try thisagain tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now.....
Havank
Member
A shop that sells new husbands has just opened in London, where a woman
> >may go to choose a husband.
> >
> >Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the shop
> >operates:
> >
> >1. You may visit this shop ONLY ONCE.
> >
> >2. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the
> >shopper ascends.
> >
> >3. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may
> >choose to go up to the next floor, but cannot go back down except to
> >exit the building!
> >
> >A woman goes to the Husband Shop to find a husband.
> >
> >On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
> >
> >Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
> >
> >The second floor sign reads:
> >
> >Floor 2 - These men have jobs and loves kids
> >
> >The third floor sign reads:
> >
> >Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
> >"Impressive," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes
> >to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love
> >kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework. "Oh, wow!"
> >she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
> >
> >Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
> >
> >Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking,
> >help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so
> >tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
> >
> >Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
> >
> >There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that
> >women are impossible to please.
> >
> >Thank you for shopping at the Husband Shop.
> >
> >To avoid gender bias charges, the shop's owner opened a new Wives Shop
> >just across the street, also with six floors and the same rules.
> >
> >The first floor has wives that love sex.
> >
> >The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
> >
> >The third, fourth, fifth & sixth floors have never been visited.
> >may go to choose a husband.
> >
> >Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the shop
> >operates:
> >
> >1. You may visit this shop ONLY ONCE.
> >
> >2. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the
> >shopper ascends.
> >
> >3. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may
> >choose to go up to the next floor, but cannot go back down except to
> >exit the building!
> >
> >A woman goes to the Husband Shop to find a husband.
> >
> >On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
> >
> >Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
> >
> >The second floor sign reads:
> >
> >Floor 2 - These men have jobs and loves kids
> >
> >The third floor sign reads:
> >
> >Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
> >"Impressive," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes
> >to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love
> >kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework. "Oh, wow!"
> >she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
> >
> >Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
> >
> >Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking,
> >help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so
> >tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
> >
> >Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
> >
> >There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that
> >women are impossible to please.
> >
> >Thank you for shopping at the Husband Shop.
> >
> >To avoid gender bias charges, the shop's owner opened a new Wives Shop
> >just across the street, also with six floors and the same rules.
> >
> >The first floor has wives that love sex.
> >
> >The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
> >
> >The third, fourth, fifth & sixth floors have never been visited.
Havank
Member
This bloke goes to the Doctors and says "Doctor, my ar$e has been itching like mad for 2 weeks now and I can't stand it any longer, can you check it out for me". The Doctor says "right then, drop your kegs, bend over and lets take a look".
The Doctor is confused and gasps in disbelief, "Just hang on a second, I see something up there" he says, "wait till I get my magnifying glass and tweezers".
So on closer examination the doctor starts gently teasing the offending foreign body and says "I don't believe it, in over 35 years of practice I've never seen anything like this before, "Like what" says the Bloke, "It's a small piece of a lettuce leaf" says the Doctor.
To which the Bloke replies, "Ah don't worry about that, that's just the tip of the Iceberg".
The Doctor is confused and gasps in disbelief, "Just hang on a second, I see something up there" he says, "wait till I get my magnifying glass and tweezers".
So on closer examination the doctor starts gently teasing the offending foreign body and says "I don't believe it, in over 35 years of practice I've never seen anything like this before, "Like what" says the Bloke, "It's a small piece of a lettuce leaf" says the Doctor.
To which the Bloke replies, "Ah don't worry about that, that's just the tip of the Iceberg".
Havank
Member
A man was spending the afternoon making wild passionate love to his secretary. Just as they had finished his mobile phone rang and it was his wife asking him to pick up some shopping on the way home, and where was he, and why wasn't he in the office? Stalling for time he said he'd tell her when he got home.
"What am I going to tell her?" he asked his secretary. "I'm hopeless at telling lies".
"Look" she said, "Just take your shoes outside and wipe them in the mud and it will all be OK".
The man did as he was told and then drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife.
"I cannot lie to you" he said. "I've been making wild passionate love to my secretary all afternoon".
His wife looked down at his muddy shoes. "Don't give me that rubbish you lying tow-rag" she yelled. "You've been playing golf haven't you!"
"What am I going to tell her?" he asked his secretary. "I'm hopeless at telling lies".
"Look" she said, "Just take your shoes outside and wipe them in the mud and it will all be OK".
The man did as he was told and then drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife.
"I cannot lie to you" he said. "I've been making wild passionate love to my secretary all afternoon".
His wife looked down at his muddy shoes. "Don't give me that rubbish you lying tow-rag" she yelled. "You've been playing golf haven't you!"
Havank
Member
rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of
Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie"
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and
cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of
Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the
pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the
toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint
of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie
and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have
been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making
more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the
masses.
The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are
right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties"
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper,
when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a
very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie"
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it"
The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let
down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it"
"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion
Toastie"
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the
toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves. NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who
has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his, calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form,
floating above the bar.
The barman says, "Who are you" to which he is answered," I am the ghost
of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house"
The barman says," I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in
every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,
masses
came to see you and this place was famous"
The rabbit says, "Yes I know"
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham
and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"
The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it" The barman
said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what happened"
"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"b****r" said the barman," what from".
After a short pause the rabbit said...
Mixing Me Toasties!!!!
Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie"
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and
cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of
Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the
pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the
toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint
of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie
and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have
been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making
more money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the
masses.
The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are
right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties"
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper,
when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a
very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie"
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it"
The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let
down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it"
"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion
Toastie"
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the
toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves. NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who
has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his, calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form,
floating above the bar.
The barman says, "Who are you" to which he is answered," I am the ghost
of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house"
The barman says," I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in
every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,
masses
came to see you and this place was famous"
The rabbit says, "Yes I know"
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham
and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"
The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it" The barman
said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what happened"
"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"b****r" said the barman," what from".
After a short pause the rabbit said...
Mixing Me Toasties!!!!
Havank
Member
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Havank
Member
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes... (read them out loud)
1) That's not right ......... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?..... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP..........Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ..............Dum Gai
5) Small Horse ...........Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ........Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ........Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift .......Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here .....Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ......Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) Double yellow lines .......No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ..........Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight .........Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his car……. Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odour is offensive .......Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .....Fa Kin Su Pah
1) That's not right ......... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?..... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP..........Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ..............Dum Gai
5) Small Horse ...........Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ........Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ........Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift .......Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here .....Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ......Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) Double yellow lines .......No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ..........Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight .........Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his car……. Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odour is offensive .......Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great .....Fa Kin Su Pah
Havank
Member
3 Men in a Sauna:
Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were
sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his
forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That
was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his
palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile
phone.
I have a microchip in my hand.
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he
decided he had to do something just as impressive
.
He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from
his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Irishman finally said
----"Well will you look at that. I'm getting a fax."
Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were
sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his
forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That
was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his
palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile
phone.
I have a microchip in my hand.
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he
decided he had to do something just as impressive
.
He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from
his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Irishman finally said
----"Well will you look at that. I'm getting a fax."
Havank
Member
A very attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant.
She gestures to a man behind the counter, who, after viewing her assets,
comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
closer to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which slowly
turns red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no," he replies. I'm the manager."
"Can you get the owner for me? I need to speak to him," she says,
running her hands up beyond his ears and through his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager. "He is not in today.
Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues
huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.
"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the
ladies loo
She gestures to a man behind the counter, who, after viewing her assets,
comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
closer to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which slowly
turns red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no," he replies. I'm the manager."
"Can you get the owner for me? I need to speak to him," she says,
running her hands up beyond his ears and through his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager. "He is not in today.
Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues
huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.
"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the
ladies loo
Havank
Member
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away.
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "!", she cried, " just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been much less, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it went up considerably
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "!", she cried, " just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been much less, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it went up considerably
Havank
Member
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word
he made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to
the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much
all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.
The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."
the other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word
he made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to
the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much
all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.
The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."